Biggest fandom letdown of my life
You know… I try to use my platform as a critic to draw attention to hidden gems I think people might appreciate. Normally, if I have to come down on a movie, it’s to demand a higher standard for things like poorly represented minorities. Every now and then, however, I just need to fucking complain… then there’s this movie…
45 minutes. 45 FUCKING MINUTES of god damn setup. How the FUCK do you waste 45 FUCKING MINUTES of a god damn horror movie on the fucking fluff?!? Nobody fucking came here for a god damn story! We came here to see a parade of horror legends get their murder on! You don’t fucking need 45 minutes of setup to deliver a god damn parade of horror legends! Introduce the concept, start the prison riot, and let the mayhem begin! That’s 10 fucking minutes TOPS!
Jesus fucking Christ, it’s a fan film! Do a Smokin’ Aces style blurb as you introduce each character! They kinda had the right idea for a hot second, but then went right back into the never-fucking-ending setup of story line. What the fuck were these people trying to justify?! We don’t need a god damn justification for why all our fan favorites are together in an experimental super-max prison. We will literally accept all the silly K-Mart knockoff slashers as they come! What fucking horror fan demographic were you trying to appeal to?!
Technically, this movie should have failed my ’30 Minute Rule.’ I mean, yeah, for the first 30 minutes shit was happening, but a whole fucking lot of nothing was happening. Nothing was accomplished in those first 30 minutes or the 15 that followed before the violence started. And for fucking what??? The acting is shit, the dialog worse, the plot paper fucking thin. So why the fuck go all in on pointless story fluff?!
Jesus… But yeah, 45 FUCKING MINUTES later and the killing starts. I feel needlessly punished for waiting that long. And, when the killing starts, the movie is a lot more fun… until the weird ass last 10 minutes. Honestly, you can seriously just fast forward to minute 45.
I honestly can’t recommend this movie to anyone. Not even the most hardcore fan. There’s nothing fun about this! They tried to take a shameless slaughter fest and FUCKED IT ALL UP!!!
What the fuck are the nine supposed to be? I mean, they’re just a bunch of skinless humans eating corpses. Neat concept but, there really isn’t anything in the Death House that suggests biological experiments. It’s all mental shit. So what the fuck was supposed to have created them? But I guess that’s kinda the point I was driving at before. They don’t really need an explanation, they’re just good fun gory practical FX. They’re probably one of the most interesting things in the fucking movie.
When the two agents were repelling down the elevator shaft… What the fuck were they shooting at? What the fuck was the point of that scene at all? Shouldn’t this just be a floor by floor retelling of Dante’s Inferno, with Cain Holder’s character Sieg and his minions driving the two agents deeper?
What the fuck is the point of this bullshit “You are the spoon” wannabe Total Recall ending?! I mean, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the concept of the two agents being in a punitive simulation the whole time. That’s fine, but the ending of this fucking movie is like the ending of the movie, The Matrix: Revolution. They choose to go through the door as opposed to “reset the matrix” so I guess that means they’re just kinda stuck in the program now? And that has something to do with Tony Todd’s character? I guess? I just thought Tony Todd was the body farmer for the Death House, except apparently he’s in the simulation sooooo. What the fuck is supposed to be happening?
Guys, seriously. This was such a simple fucking concept to execute. Take a whole bunch of our favorite horror icons, and pit them against each other in a ‘no holds barred’ prison riot show down, that somewhat resembles the nine levels of hell. Limbo, Lust, Gluttony, War and Violence, selfish Pride and Vanity, Heretics and Atheists, Murderers and Rapists, People who bare false witness and deceivers, and finally betrayers and traitors. Not that fucking hard a format to follow. Dante laid it out for anyone who wants to base a horror movie on it, you just have to spice up every level with modern gore.
This shouldn’t have taken any fucking thought and been simple as fuck. Like Frankenstein’s Army, there was abso-fucking-lutely no god damn reason, to put reason into this movie. It was just supposed to be pointless violence and entertainment. How do you fuck up such a simple concept, let alone this bad?
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In the Shadow of the Mountain