GED of Being a Dog…
OKAY! Following up from Monday’s post! I said I was going to do a comparative of the classic and the remake. So as promised, it’s on to the remake!
I was firmly disappointed by this remake. It lacked the antics, the sense of fun, that made the first one so fucking perfect. You didn’t get the feeling that the crew were enjoying themselves and their characters as much as the first. The problem is, they didn’t try to go for good-bad horror. They tried to actually make Cabin Fever good horror… Excuse me but, Cabin fucking Fever? Really? The movie with the “pancakes” kid? The movie with professor dog? The movie with the halfwit bro-cop? Who the fuck saw the original Cabin Fever and was like, “Yeah, that’s just begging to be remade serious.” It was Travis Zariwny, FYI. Maybe, just maybe, if you took the premise and did away will all of the above, you might be able to pull off a serious movie. But they kept that shit in AND tried to take it seriously.
Some time back, I did a review of Cabin Fever: Patient 0 and I have the same thing to say about that sequel as I do about this remake. You just can’t take it seriously. Without going into spoilers, the giant black dildo scene comes to mind. Patient 0 is worth it for that scene and that scene alone. Why? Because it’s the scene where they finally cut loose. The giant black dildo scene is when you finally got the classic Cabin Fever feeling in Patient 0.
Being super serious wasn’t this movie’s only sin. It also didn’t have an original thought to its fucking name. It wasn’t a remake so much as it was a page for page, almost scene for scene, practically word for word, ripoff of the original, save one scene. That’s not how remake work. Remakes are supposed to be a homage to the original where you give it your own special twist, you make it your own thing. You build upon the old ideas, or you deconstruct them and pull up something you found hidden in them. Jimmy Hendrix didn’t just cover “All Along the Watchtower,” he fucking owned that song. Nobody talks about Bob Dylan’s original because Jimmy blew it out of the water. Look, you don’t even have to make the new one better than the original. You just have to make it yours.
There was only one thing this version did right… and let’s be clear, I am NOT giving this version my recommendation to ANYONE…
For the love of GOD they at least got rid of the “almost ending” bullshit. Fuck, I really hated that about the original. Paul knocks out the deputy and runs off into the woods, fade to black. Paul comes across a highway and almost gets hit by a truck then winds up in the hospital, fade to black. Jeff gets out alive, only to get gunned down by cops, fade to black. Paul’s body turns up in a river, blah, blah, blah. ROLL THE FUCKING CREDITS!!!
There is one scene I want to point out that really annoyed the shit out of me. And ironically, it’s the only time they tried to do their own thing. There’s this scene where Jeff is Forced to kill Karren. First off, the moron wastes all the bullets in his gun like an ass hat. Second, he never checks to be sure that the gun isn’t just jammed. Third, he never looks to see if there are any more bullets to reload the damn gun. Finally, he chooses a shovel to kill Karren with. What a fucking idiot. Here’s a real, solid scene, and they ruin it by making Jeff a bumbling dolt. After thinking that stabbing Karren in the mouth with a shovel will do anything more than just really fucking hurt, HE SETS HER ON FUCKING FIRE! So what happens? She’s not dead of course and now he has to listen to her screams as she burns to death. You lose all sympathy and patience for the man long before that and at that point are just done.
At least this time they did the ending right. Paul’s dead in the woods, Jeff gets gunned down, fade to black, roll fucking credits. PERFECT! Maybe tack the ending of this movie onto the original? Either way, fuck this movie.
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