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Reed Alexander’s Horror Review of ‘Beyond The Black Rainbow’ (2010)

4 min read

Mind fuck your head hole…

The FUCK did I just watch? I think this movie was trying to give it’s viewers the residual sensation of prison rape. Seriously, this movie was fucked up. It’s like the director would do a hit of acid, viciously beat off until unconscious, write down what he dreamt about, then made a fucking movie about it.

I once mentioned the trick to cerebral horror was giving the audience enough information to stay engaged, while not giving them too much information to lay the plot out for them. It’s the razors edge of “Show, don’t tell.” However, while most horror movies fail at cerebral horror by giving too much away, this movie left too much to questions… such as… what the FUCK was going on in this fucking movie?!? Seriously! Did the director just drop laudanum into absinthe and let a horse go to town on his anus? This movie is filled with confusing sexual frustration and esoteric nonsense.

I’m sure, there’s some artsy horror snob out there who would get off to this… if that’s you, the FUCK is wrong with you?

Okay… SPOILERS… I guess…

Can I really spoil this fucking movie? I could give you a play by play and not reveal anything about it. So this psychic chick is being held captive by her dad in this institute that was started by… iduchfuckenknow, a cult leader or some shit? Anyway, this chick’s dad has a serious hard-on for his daughter but it has something to do with this weird obsession with her powers because he like… crossed to the other side? Does that make any sense? He follows the cult leader’s instruction to cross over to this fucking weird ass plain of existence that’s like something out of H.P. Lovecraft and fucking rapes this chick who instantaneously spits out his daughter. His daughter becomes some sort of psychic entity that he wants to manipulate and understand, but he’s also wants to fuck, apparently.

So, something about being on the other side changed him, and now he’s this fucking monster that’s trying to maintain some resemblance of sanity and meaning after what is essentially an encounter with energies beyond his comprehension.

Then there’s these psychic vampires, and this weird fucking experiment with beings crossing over to our dimension through our bodies and impregnating women. This movie is kind like Banshee Chapters, but less coherent. By the way, if you haven’t seen Banshee Chapters, I highly recommend it.

If none of that made any fucking sense then CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS! You’re perfectly normal. I can’t even imagine the cocktail of drugs that would be necessary to understand this fucking existential train wreck. This was mental masturbation to the point it looked like it might have caused the director a brain bleed. I could reproduce the same results by taking peyote rectally, delivered by a beefcake dominatrix, in a PVC SS uniform. This is like the horror movie version of the joke called ‘The Aristocrats.’ I feel like I’ve been trolled for watching it. If I even attempted to give this ‘cinematic equivalent of santorum’ any artistic credit, I’d be that asshole at the art gallery paying a million dollars for a portrait of a big red dot.

SERIOUSLY! There’s as much artistic credit in this garbage as a donkey fucking a baboon while covered in glitter glue. Sure it will get people to think, yeah there’s a lot of color involved, one could even say it’s visually shocking… you’re still a fucking moron for taking part in such a travesty.

I don’t know who to be ashamed of more, the people who are responsible for this crap, or me for actually watching all of it.

My wife seriously threatened divorces if I ever put her through this again. Frankly I don’t blame her. I’d divorce me after this shit show! This movie could be considered spousal abuse! If I’d been married to a guy this was into this shit, I wouldn’t walk out, I’d fucking have him committed… or killed. Seriously!

ANYWHO… fuck this movie.

Fans of my review, I could really use your help. If you like my opinions on horror, you might like the horror novella I wrote. Click the link bellow to check out a sample of my new horror novella ‘In the Shadow of the Mountain.”

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