Wed. Aug 21st, 2019

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Reed Alexander’s Horror Review of ‘The Bay’ (2012)

4 min read
Source: Lionsgate / Roadside Attractions

Worse Acting Than Porno…

The Bay, round two, FIGHT!

The first time I attempted to watch this festering pile of red hot bloody diarrhea, it didn’t pass my 30 minute rule… actually it didn’t pass 5 minutes… okay, to be honest, I watched for about 1 minute and 30 seconds and had to hold back the urge to plant my fist through the screen of my TV. I just turned it off.  After about a ten-second clip of some pretty neat media scrambles, this lady’s face pops onto the screen and just completely kills the mood.

This actress should NEVER be allowed to work again… I don’t mean in the movies. I mean at all. She should be sectioned off from humanity, sterilized, and destroyed. This is, by far, the worst acting I’ve ever encountered outside of Tommy Wiseau. In fact, she might as well have been his top student. After about a minute of her prattling on like some half-wit bimbo attempting to fake melodrama, I just had to shut the movie off. I could NOT go on. Kristen Stewart inflects emotions over this woman in spades. She couldn’t sell emotion to the starving if it was some kind of food.  This was bad acting BY PORN STANDARDS.

And here’s the thing, the rest of the actors in this movie weren’t the greatest, but they weren’t that bad. They were all good enough to keep the mood going and really, if it wasn’t for that fact that this woman interrupts the movie and the tension every five minutes, this movie would have been okay. AND IT WAS SHAKY CAMERA! I HATE shaky camera, but this would have actually been a pretty good movie if it wasn’t for this useless cunt ruining the mood every five fucking minutes!

SPOILERS!!!

I have no idea what possessed me to watch this a second time and actually get through all that vomitous drivel in the beginning. It was practically a play by play of me fighting to get through every scene that she was in. I guess it was because the premise was okay, and even kinda new. It’s an outbreak movie with sea lice. Those little isopods are pretty creepy and the idea of them crawling around under your skin is pretty horrifying.

Anyway, the first five minutes involved mostly breathing exercises while trying not to have an aneurysm from looking at Kether Donohue’s face whenever she spoke.

After minute ten I was just numb. That’s the best I can describe it. I was numb. My brain just shut right the fuck off. I couldn’t even enjoy the moments of the movie that were good. All the people wandering around vomiting blood. The few clips of ‘Found Footage’ of people getting eaten by swarming isopods. The BRUTAL execution scene where a cop kills two civilians and his infected partner. THEY DON’T EVEN SHOW YOU! You just listen to it. That’s it, just audio of this cop putting a bullet in some people’s heads out of mercy. It probably would have been spine tingling if I wasn’t so fucking dead inside from those cut-scenes of what I can only describe as the fictional character from Legally Blond trying to break into acting.

People, I’m a very liberal guy. I’m against eugenics and violence towards women… but I may make the exception here for the sake of humanity.

What? Was she the director’s girlfriend? How did she get this role? She was literally upstaged by every actor including the extras. The scene with the first infected woman, she’s in the movie for all of about 10 seconds and she sold the shit out of that role. Why wasn’t she the lead actress? That woman put more emotion and helplessness into a ten-second clip of just walking down a crowded street than the lead did in the full 90 minutes.

Here’s how you watch this movie and enjoy it. Get your video editor out, and cut every scene with Kether. Cut it right the fuck out! There is almost no purpose for her character anyway. There is maybe one scene where she delivers necessary exposition on the plot about the desalinization plant. Beyond that, just cut her scenes out. Then this will be a pretty solid movie.

I would take Jar Jar Binx over this woman…

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